The Power of Pushing People Out to Let Peace In
I often think about the people who have come and gone in my life. It’s a familiar question: What if things had played out differently? I’ve had relationships where I was madly in love. I’ve had friends I would have fought and died for. At one point, I was helping raise a child that wasn’t my own. Today, all of that has changed. Those people are no longer in my life, and most of them are distant memories.
What happened to all of those emotions? Sometimes, it feels like they vanished, like they were for nothing. We spend so much time holding on to people, to things, only to lose them eventually. But here’s the silver lining: Life is not about possession—it’s about experience. We’re not here to control the people or the world around us; we’re here to experience them and enjoy the moments while they last.
The mistake we make is expecting to control the present, as if we can hold time and relationships in our hands. The truth is, we can’t. And in releasing that need for control, we free ourselves from the weight of grief over things we can never keep.
Read: Redefining Blackness
When most people think of grief, they think of death. But let’s talk about a different kind of loss—losing people who are still alive. We all have to face this at some point. I’ve come to understand two things: (A) Everyone is on their own journey, and (B) I have no control over someone else’s choices. The only power I have is in how I let people into my life and how I engage with them. So, I keep an open heart, and if people want to leave, I let them. I refuse to hold onto anyone who doesn’t want to be here.
But this philosophy isn’t just about letting people go—it’s also about knowing when I need to walk away. Over the years, many of my relationships and friendships ended because I chose to leave. I know my worth, and when someone stops valuing that, I’ll make an exit. Respect, trust, communication—these are the pillars of any relationship. When one of them crumbles, it’s hard to keep anything standing.
Now, let me share a story. I had a close friend back when I was 16. We both had our share of run-ins with the law. When I was jailed, he was free; when he was jailed, I was free. He was one of the first people to visit me when I got out, and I appreciated that. But I was on a mission to change my life, to stay out of trouble. One day, I saw him on Facebook, standing on a street corner with a group of guys tied to a gang. I made a choice right then and there: I distanced myself from him. Not long after, he was locked up again. Now, imagine if I had gone back to him instead of walking away. Sometimes, cutting ties isn’t just about emotional peace—it’s about survival.
Another story: My ex-wife. She was eight years younger than me, with a baby girl when we met. I stepped in, helped raise that little girl as my own, and for a while, we made it work. We even got married. But not long after, she wanted more from life, and I realized she wasn’t interested in being “mom” in the same way I wanted to be “dad.”
I don’t lock anyone in place—I let people make their choices, and I make mine. So when she left, I closed the door. I locked my heart. Years later, I found out she had taken her daughter, the one I helped raise, across the ocean to her home country. I may never see her again.
Finding Peace In The Loss
Here’s what I’ve learned: We have no control over loss. Whether it’s a friend, a spouse, or even a child—it’s not up to us. But we can control how we process that loss and how we move forward. Letting people go isn’t just about ending relationships; it’s about choosing your peace over the illusion of permanence.
When I look back at all the people I’ve lost, it’s not the loss that defines me—it’s the memories, the lessons, and the growth that came from those experiences. I’ve learned to appreciate the people in my life even more now because I know that they, too, may not be around forever. It makes me show up more fully, more present, and more appreciative.
Loss will come. That’s a fact of life. But what we gain from it is the wisdom to live in the present and the strength to release what no longer serves us. The Earth will keep spinning. Time will heal those broken parts of us. And in the end, the peace we find will be greater than anything we tried to hold on to.
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